From: Meles Zenawi, Prime Minister, Federal Democratic Republic of Ethiopia

To: Merga Bekana, Charmian, National Election Board of Ethiopia

Re: Troubling 2010 Election results

Dear Tagai Merga,

I wanted to wait until the final counts were all in before sending this memo and I must say I’ve been troubled since we passed that 91% mark. I know I said that we need to win by an overwhelming majority. I know I said the numbers need to make a statement. But what the hell Mergish, 100%? Do I need to point out this puts us at an untenable position? Think of our supporters, both paid and unpaid. Have you thought about how difficult it will be for them to profess we won fair and square with a straight face? Don’t get me wrong, I admire the execution of our strategy, but the results just stripped us off of the illusion of fairness we have so successfully demonstrated in the past. All that work is now gone to waste. I called Bereket to relate this concern. He is beside himself with surprise and joy and sounded dumbfounded when I expressed irritation at his jubilation. He is minister of Information for MedhaniAlem’s sake . . . of propaganda no less. Must I break this down for him? Douche bag! This is why he can’t replace me when I retire at the end of my term; wink, wink.

Again I am ecstatic about the process Merga. As it happens it is the one thing that I can now defend. That is, the work put in place, the checks and balances, the mechanisms, rules and regulations [to stifle and render the opposition impotent] worked like magic. To a fault even. I don’t know if I should reward or fire you for over-competence. And man with the monitors, you guys did a fantastic job in rendering those in-your-face good-for-nothing intruders who need to get a life, blind and out of sight. Wai, I get a thrill up my legs thinking about how I will hide behind “the process” and tell that viceroy to go play with himself, LOL.

But what are we without an illusion Tagai Merga? I mean I understand why our cadres got a bit overzealous in blocking Gebru, Siye, Aregash and the whole gang calling themselves Medrek. But Lidetu, Beyene, Merara — those were the faces of the illusion factor. What am I to do now? How am I to pretend there’s dissent in the system? That’s not to mention mind you, the occasional slap in the face I used to enjoy giving those miscreants in joint session from time to time. Did I mention I am already suffering withdrawal effects from their impending absence?

There will be some fallout for sure, but none that can’t be handled. The Americans have started making a noise like they always do. I have told Carson in no uncertain terms to keep funneling that money or else. They have given nearly a billion dollars last year. I intend to double that amount each year of my next term and do it while flipping my fingers at him. Mark my words. If his boss thinks outsourcing a war comes cheap he’s got another thing coming.

With that money we should continue to recruit and train more cadres who will build institutions of harassment and intimidation and define the process down to a manual for any idiot to execute. Effective immediately additional intelligence networks will be dedicated to monitor the mood in Tigray for the next several months. No one will dare, but we have to send the signal now to anyone that so much as intends to express grievance over the election results.

The opposition tried to paint itself as the David facing Goliath. I wanted to show them and their weakling supporters the world over that in real life Goliath doth runneth over David. The results showed that. But the over reach has undermined our legitimacy. So you can see why I am conflicted about this.

But it’s no matter. I am looking at the bright side of this already. All of this development has given me pause to reflect on the whole election business at a global level and boy have you given me a project. I have just finished the outlines of my next book. It will highlight what I call the Fourth Paradigm: the utter failure and uselessness of electoral politics to bring about freedom and growth for a country like ours. This does a full circle completing my theory and practice of Revolutionary Democracy that other countries can emulate. Brilliant don’t you think?

(The above letter is a satire piece by Tewodros Mengistu, [email protected])