(This article is part of an Ethiopian Review weekly series that is intended to highlight and help stop the growing problem of domestic violence in the Ethiopian community.)

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Many people who are abused by their intimate partner just want the violence and abuse to stop, but they don’t want the relationship to end. But even when they do want to get out of the relationship with the abuser, it’s hard.

Under the best of circumstances, it is not easy to end a relationship with an intimate partner. Love, family, shared memories, and commitment are bonds that are hard to break. Cultural or religious beliefs may be barriers to ending a marriage. Immigration status may be another obstacle. While ending a relationship is hard for everyone, women who are abused face the added risks of physical, emotional and psychological harm. There are risks that come with every decision an abused woman makes.

There are many good reasons why it may be difficult to be safe or to end a relationship with an abusive partner. The choices abused women are faced with are not risk-free. Leaving is not always the safest or best option.

Risks of Getting Help or Deciding to Leave

Risks of physical violence and psychological harm

• Threats and violence will get worse, resulting in harm to victim, children, friends, family, or pets.
• Abuser will follow through on suicide threats and harm himself.
• Continued harassment, stalking, and verbal and emotional attacks, especially if the abuser has ongoing contact (such as during court ordered visitation).
• Serious physical harm and/or death.
• Rape or sexual abuse.

Risks to Children

• Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; possibility of increased risks to children if the abuser has unsupervised or poorly supervised visitation.
• Losing children if the abuser kidnaps them or gets custody of them.
• Negative impact on children as a result of “breaking up the family.”

Risks to Finances

• Concern about being able to pay legal fees.
• Reduced standard of living – possible loss of home, possessions, neighborhood.
• Losing income or job – possible loss of partner’s income, may have to quit a job to relocate or to take care of the children alone, may be prevented from working because of threats and harassment.

Risks to Relationship

• Losing partner, losing the relationship.
• Losing help with children, transportation, household.
• Losing caretaker (for older women or women with disabilities).

Risks to Relationships with Family, Friends and Community

• Negative responses from friends, family members, and helping professionals.
• Not being believed or taken seriously, being blamed, being pressured to take actions that don’t feel right.
• Being judged as a bad wife, partner, or mother.
• Making people feel uncomfortable about “taking sides” or not wanting to get involved.
• Worrying about being a burden to friends and family by asking them for help.
• Being pressured to stay in the relationship because of religious and/or cultural beliefs or because the children “need a father.”
• Worry that actions of people trying to help may actually make the situation more dangerous.

Safety Planning & Risk Assessment

No abused woman has control over her partner’s violence, but women can and do find ways to reduce their risk of harm. Safety planning is a tool to help you to identify options, evaluate those options, and come up with a plan to reduce your risk when faced with the threat of harm or with actual harm.

There’s no right or wrong way to develop a safety plan. Use what applies. Change it or add to it to reflect your particular situation. Make it your own, then review it regularly and make changes as needed.

You may want to write down your safety plan, or you may not. If you think it would be safe for you to have a written safety plan and it would be helpful to you, then by all means do it. But if you think there is a chance your abuser might find it, maybe it is better to just think it all through and not write it down. Do what you think is the safest thing for you.

Use What You Already Know
If you have been abused by an intimate partner, you probably know more about safety planning and risk assessment than you might think. Being in a relationship with an abusive partner – and surviving – takes a lot of skill and resourcefulness. Any time you do or say something as a way to protect yourself and/or your children, you are “safety planning.” “Risk assessment” is when you decide if taking a specific action will make things better or worse. You do it all the time, without even thinking about it.

Think It Through
Now that you know more about what safety planning is, it can be really helpful to assess risks and make safety plans by thinking through all the issues. There are certain things that are helpful to consider when planning for your future safety:

• Staying with your partner.
• Ending your relationship.
• Using services.
• Involving the police.

Safety Planning for Every Situation

Safety plans can be made for a variety of different situations:

• For dealing with an emergency, such as when you are threatened with physical violence or abuse has occurred.
• For continuing to live with or to date a partner who has been abusive.
• For protecting yourself after you have ended a relationship with an abusive partner.

If you are planning to leave your partner or have already left, be aware that abusers are often more violent during times of separation. This couldincrease your risk for harm, including stalking and serious or life-threatening injury. Making a separation safety plan can help reduce the risks to you and your children during and after a separation.

Identify Your Options

The value of any safety plan depends on coming up with options that make sense to you and that you can use. This publication will provide information on the help available from local domestic violence programs and the criminal justice system. But just as important is the help and information you may get from other places, including your own family and social supports. Some of the people and places where you might find support include:

• counselor, social worker, therapist;
• doctor, dentist, nurse;
• friend, family, neighbor;
• a spiritual leader or member of your faith community;
• employee assistance program (EAP), supervisor, union, co-worker;
• staff member at women’s centers or senior centers;
• teacher, school counselor, parent teacher association member; and/or
• department of social services caseworker.

The important thing is for you to identify all the possible people who might be willing and able to help you. You don’t have to wait for an emergency to ask for help. It’s a good idea to talk to people and find out what they’re willing and able to do for you. That way, you’ll know in advance if you have a place to stay, where to go for help with money, or a safe person who can keep copies of important papers for you.

If it is safe for you to do so, you may want to make a list with their phone numbers so that you’ll have it in case of an emergency. If you don’t know where to go in your community, you can call the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline for information about a program in your community.Most people really do want to help.

The more specific you can be, the more likely it is that you’ll get the help you need. Sometimes the people you trust may mean well and offer you suggestions that don’t seem right to you. You will have to decide if this information is best for you. It’s your call.

(Source: New York State, Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)

What is Domestic Violence?

{www:Domestic violence} is when one person does a variety of things to control another person in an {www:intimate} relationship. The shift in power can happen very slowly, over a period of time, so that the other person cannot even remember when it happened. Or it can happen very quickly after there is some sort of commitment or some change in the level of intimacy.

Many people wonder if what is happening to them is domestic violence because their partner has never hit them. Physical abuse is probably what most people think of when they think about domestic violence, but it is just one of the many ways that your partner might try to gain power and control in your relationship.

Ways a person might try to gain power and control over their partner include:

Isolation – making it hard for you to see your friends and family; telling you that your friends and family cause problems in the relationship or are trying to “come between you.”

Economic abuse – having complete control over the money; making you account for every penny you spend; taking your money from you.

Verbal, emotional, psychological abuse – calling you names; putting you down or embarrassing you in front of other people; criticizing your abilities as a partner or parent.

Intimidation – making you afraid with a look, action, or gesture; getting you to do something by reminding you about “what happened last time.”

Coercion and threats – showing you a weapon and threatening to use it on you; threatening to “out” you to family, friends, or employers if you are gay or lesbian; threatening to harm your family, friends, or anyone you might go to for help.

Physical abuse – pushing, grabbing, hitting, slapping, punching, or kicking you.

Sexual abuse – forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to; making you engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable; forcing you to engage in prostitution.

Using children – undermining your authority with your children; threatening to take the children away from you by kidnapping or getting custody of them; “pumping” your children for information about you.

Minimizing, denying, blaming – making you think the abuse is your fault; saying the abuse was caused by stress, alcohol, or problems at work; denying that the abuse happened at all.

These are some of the most common ways that abusers try to control their partners, but certainly not the only ones. If your partner does things that restrict your personal freedom or that make you afraid, you may be a victim of domestic violence.

You are not alone. Millions of people are abused by their partners every year. But it is important to know that more resources are available now than ever before to help women and their children be safe.

You can make a difference and help reduce the number of people who are unsafe in their homes and relationships. You can help, no matter who you are.

Here are some steps you can take:

Friend? Listen, support, and believe your friend. Don’t be an expert: be a friend, and get her to the experts! Your local or statewide hotlines are good resources.

Employer? Provide information. Consider implementing a domestic violence and the workplace policy. Make a charitable commitment: local programs need your support.

Parent? Talk to your kids about respectful relationships. Observe your children’s relationships. Maintain a dialogue with your children. MODEL respectful relationships.

Busy? Donate to your local domestic violence program.

Want to do Something? Find volunteer opportunities in your community. Hold a phone or other kind of drive to benefit a local program – many also need adult and children’s clothing, and house- hold goods. Educate yourself about the problem.

Teenager of College Student? Read the information your school may be giving you on dating abuse. Don’t confuse love and stalking. No one should ever make you feel afraid or controlled. Talk to someone at your school, your parents, or a trusted adult if you or a friend is in trouble.

Employee and/or Union Member? Provide information. Host or sponsor an awareness event at your workplace. Domestic violence is a serious workplace issue.

Faith Community? Become known as a safe place. Faith leaders and members can address, acknowledge, and condemn domestic violence in lectures, discussion groups, and sermons. Educate the congregation. Speak out. Lead by example. Offer space to nonprofits. Partner with existing resources.

Adult? Be a leader. Men can show by example that being strong does not mean being violent. Women can listen non-judgmentally to their friends, mothers, and sisters. If someone tells you something that makes you concerned, or shows that she’s uncomfortable or scared, let her know you are worried for her. Listen and support her. She can ask questions confidentially, and get advice.

Planning for your safety

These are some ideas to get you started in planning for your safety. But every situation is different. Only you can decide what’s best for you.

Being Ready for a Crisis

You may be living with, dating, or have a child with the abuser. If it is safe for you, you might think about:

• Moving to a safer space during an argument. Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without an exit to the outside.
• Leaving the house for a short time. Think about how you would get out safely and where you would go. Have your purse and car keys ready.
• Asking a neighbor or a friend for help. A neighbor can call police if they hear violent noises coming from your home. A friend can take necessary action if you use a code word that you have arranged in advance.
• Calling for help. Think about who you could call: police, domestic violence hotline, friends, family. Know those numbers or program them into your phone, if you can do so safely. Your local domestic violence program may be able to give you a free cell phone for calling 911.
• Including your children. Make sure they know their address and phone number and how to get help. Tell children not to get in between fighting adults. Plan a code word to let them know to get help or leave the house.

Planning to Leave or Separate From Your Partner

You may decide that leaving your partner is the best choice for your safety at this time. Leaving can be a temporary or permanent option. Think about:

• Where you could stay and for how long. Choices could include homes of friends or family, a hotel, or a domestic violence shelter. Have phone numbers ready.
• How you can get to a safe place. You may be able to use your car, public transportation, or arrange for a ride.
• Things you might need to take with you:
  • Cash, credit cards, ATM card, and/or checkbook. You may need money for gas, food, lodging, public transportation, medication, phone calls, and other expenses. Make sure you know your passwords and account numbers. Note: check, credit, and ATM card transactions could be used to track you if you share an account with your partner.
  • Identification and documentation for you and your children. This could include your driver’s license, birth certificates, social security cards, recent photos, passports, immigration papers, public assistance ID, employee or school ID.
  • Keys to your house, car, office, and safe deposit box.
  • Medications, health insurance cards, Medicaid/Medicare cards, vaccination records, glasses, hearing aids, and other medical needs.
  • Important papers such as orders of protection, divorce or separation agreement, custody/visitation order, child support order, car registration, insurance papers, lease or house deed, and past tax returns.
  • Electronic equipment such as laptops and cell phones.

The list above suggests important items that you may need. You might also think about taking a few things to increase the comfort for you and your children, such as favorite toys, security blanket, electronic devices such as hand-held video games or MP3 players (like iPods), photos, and sentimental items.

• Where you could safely leave extra clothes, important documents, keys, or money.
• What to do about your pets.There is a strong connection between domestic violence and animal cruelty. Sometimes abusers threaten or harm pets to scare and control the victim. For many women, concern about pets is an important part of their decision to leave. Consider these options:
  • Your pets may be safe staying at home.
  • The local domestic violence program may be able to help you find a safe place for your pets.
  • You may be able to take your pets with you. Check first to find out.
  • You may be able to board your pets.
  • Talk to your vet for possible care or recommendations for boarding.

Be sure to take any items that could be used as evidence of the abuse. This could include photographs of your injuries, threatening notes or messages, copies of police reports, medical records such as hospital discharge papers or x-rays, or a journal of the abuse.
After Leaving or Separating From Your PartnerLeaving your partner may not end the danger you faced while in the relationship. In fact, abusers can become more dangerous after their partners leave. It is important for you to plan carefully for your safety during this time. Think about:

• Home Safety
  • Changing the locks on your doors and windows.
  • Replacing wooden doors with steel/metal doors.
  • Installing a security system including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc. Ask the domestic violence program if your community has a program that gives security devices to abused women.
  • Buying fire ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.
  • Installing smoke detectors and putting fire extinguishers on each floor of your home.
    
    
• Safety with Children
  • Teaching your child how to use the phone to make a collect call to you if they are concerned about their safety. Or, consider getting your child their own cell phone to be used for emergencies.
  • Telling the people who take care of your children, including their school, which people have permission to pick them up and make sure they know how to recognize those people.
  • Giving the people who take care of your children copies of orders of protection, custody and other court orders, and emergency numbers.
  • If your children use social networking websites like MySpace.com or Facebook.com, talk to them about being very careful with what information they post there. They might give out information that could be used to track your family without meaning to. This could happen if they talk about things like where they work or go to school, or if they say they have moved recently

At Work and In Public

Your partner knows your routine, including where you work, the times you travel to and from work, places you shop, what time you drop your children off at school, etc. Many people who are abused are harassed by their partners when they are at work. While it is hard to change everything you do, there may be ways you can plan for your safety at your job and while going about your daily routine. Think about:

• At Work
  • Telling your boss, security staff, and/or Employee Assistance Program about your situation.
  • Seeing if your employer offers flexible work hours or if a transfer to another location is possible.
  • Asking the human resources department to help you work out the best use of your attendance and leave benefits, such as sick time, vacation, personal time, etc.
  • Giving workplace security a picture of the abuser and copies of orders of protection.
  • If possible, asking security staff to walk you to and from your car.
  • Knowing your workplace security phone number in case of emergency.
  • Asking a co-worker to screen your calls at work. Also, think about asking for a phone with caller ID and recording capabilities.
  • Changing the route you take to and from work.
• In Public
  • Changing what time you attend religious services, or attending a different place of worship.
  • Changing your patterns – avoid stores, banks, laundromats, and other places your partner may go to look for you. When possible, ask someone to go places with you.
  • Telling someone where you’re going if your plans include something that’s not part of your normal routine.

Note – All governmental agencies (as well as many private employers) have domestic violence workplace policies. For more information, check your employee manual or ask your human resources department.
With an Order of Protection

If you get an order of protection, think about:

• Where you will keep your order of protection. Always keep it on you or nearby.
• Giving copies of your order of protection to police departments in the communities in which you live, work, where your children go to school, etc.
• Giving copies of your order of protection to your employer, religious advisor, close friends, children’s school(s), children’s day care provider(s), etc.
• If you lose your order of protection or your partner destroys it, you can get another copy from the court that issued it.
• If your partner violates the order of protection, you can call the police and report the violation, contact your attorney, call your advocate, and/or tell the court about the violation.
• Calling a domestic violence program if you have questions about the order or if you have problems getting it enforced.

* All New York State agencies are required to have domestic violence workplace policies in place by August 1, 2008.Taking Care of YourselfIt is important to plan for your physical safety, but it is also important to plan for your emotional health and safety. This time can be stressful, confusing, frightening, and sad. Think about:

• Who you can call if you are feeling down, lonely, or confused.
• Taking care of your physical health needs by getting a check up with your doctor, gynecologist, and dentist. If you do not have a doctor, consider contacting a local clinic.
• Who to contact if you are worried about your children’s health and well-being.
• Who you can call for support if you are thinking about going back to your partner and want to talk it out with someone.
• Attending support groups, workshops, or classes at the local domestic violence program or another community agency.
• Looking at how and when you use drugs and alcohol, and what to do if you need help.

1-800-942-6906 TTY: 1-800-818-0656
Spanish language: 1-800-942-6908 TTY: 1-800-780-7660
In NYC: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673) or dial 311 TTY: 1-866-604-5350
24 Hours, 7 Days a Week

(Source: New York State, Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)