By Sophia Bekele

What are the characteristics that make one women hate another? Beauty, success, intelligence, or confidence. Generally, the appearance of `having it all’ brings out negative reactions in women who feel that they lacke these qualities. Conversely, these characteristics are what appear to be attractive to men, yet, also make them uncomfortable. My observation and discussions with both men and women provide evidence and give credence to both kinds of behavior.

First, let us talke about women’s reactions. Well, there is the stereotype. Women who appear to have the above characteristics are perceived to be aloof and condescending. But, is this true or a stereotype? It is difficult to judge unless one gets the opportunity to know these women. Although some women enjoy having this unfriendly attitude, not all women behave in the same fashion. The advertising media also promotes these `have it all’ women as they capitalizing on them to fulfill their self interest, regardless of the contribution these women make to society. The reality is these women are either born with or having acquired what society today deems to be a form of success. Hopefully, they will use their attributes in a non-threatening manner.

Through working and associating with women that `have it all’, I have learned that the common dilemma these women face is the frustration of not being accepted as one of the girls/women in the circles they want to associate in. In fact, most of these women have to work harder than most women to earn trust and understanding, and to achieve intimate relationship because of the attitude society has toward them. Their frustration runs as high as the attention they get.

Now, let us look at another rationale for this `love to hate’ behavior: Not having what others have. Although it appears understandable, it could be self-destructive to the person who has the feeling of inferiority. Yet, unconsciously and consciously many women continue to allow themselves to be consumed with feelings that produce hate. My discussions revealed that lack of self-motivation and self-confidence, and an inability to accept reality tend to reinforce these kinds of emotions. However, with increased self awareness and a positive frame of mind, these perceived differences can be reduced.

What about men? While many of the men I spoke with expressed attraction to the women that “have it all,” they also expressed their love and fear of women who are unpredictable, intriguing and independent.

Some men said they like unpredictable women, because they found challenging. Others did not have the patience to keep up with such women. The intriguing women, as described by one man is captivating, charming, and mysterious. While he expressed his attraction for such women, he admits he feels insecure about her, as this type of women is also attractive to other men. He said, the feeling of insecurity is also enhanced because of the fear of losing such a women.

The subject of independence, however, seems to have brought out more of the fear factor. As I talked with these men, I learned that independence means different things to different men. It could mean either economic, social or emotional. The majority of the men agree that an independent women is someone who has achieved some form of success, is confident, self-reliant, sociable, and free-sprinted. They also agree that it is not easy to relate to such a women. “Not only are these
women outspoken and controversial, they are far removed from playing the traditional role of women, which makes men insecure,” said one. Yet another said, “It is also a control issue. Since men are raised to be always in control, they fear they can’t control the independent women.” He continued, “We still enjoy some form of dependence from women, be it social, emotional or economical.”

“How about the bitch factor?”, I ask, Knowing it would raise some eye brows and is increasingly being associated with the independent woman nowadays. The responses I got were, “I say that to a women who wants to be dominant, tells me what to do, is aggressive, is radical etc.” My next question was, are men not the same way? I usually get blank stares, so I responded, “yes, but it is only natural because society has allowed you to be so.” Then I shared with them the things I read in various articles: “A `bitch’ is an acronym used for a woman for being in total control of herself”, another article read, “women should not feel critical about being called a bitch, because it is a man’s way of saying she knows what she wants and knows how to get it.” The preceding comments were thought provoking to some, yet indigestible to others.
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Sophia Bekele, a resident of San Francisco Bay Area, is a model and an EDP auditor for BankAmerica.