(This article is part of an Ethiopian Review weekly series that is intended to highlight and help stop the growing problem of domestic violence in the Ethiopian community.)
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Sometimes courts require abused women to participate in services with their partners. Such services may include mediation or parent education.
Mediation is used to help people work out their differences and come to agreement. Many judges order mediation in divorce and custody cases. However, mediation can be dangerous for the same reason couple counseling can be dangerous. It can be dangerous for abused women to express their feelings in front of their partners. This option only works if both parties have equal power in the relationship.
Some abused women choose mediation, thinking that it will lead to better results for them and their children. If you use mediation, it is important to discuss with your attorney or advocate your goals and expectations ahead of time. Be clear about what you are willing to negotiate about and what you’re not. Again, consult your local domestic violence program about the mediation program and the individual mediator.
Women who are abused do not have to attend parent education. If the court orders you to attend, tell the clerk who handles the paperwork that you have been abused and ask for a waiver. You can also tell the person you speak to at the parent education program about the abuse and request a waiver. Requesting or getting a waiver should not affect the outcome of your case. If you do decide to participate, you should definitely attend a separate class from your partner.
Stalking
A serious potential safety risk to abused women is stalking. Stalking is one person’s unwanted pursuit of another person. While some stalking happens between strangers or acquaintances, stalking also happens in intimate relationships. Stalking can happen after the relationship has ended or while you are still with your partner. Many women who are stalked by their partner are also physically or sexually assaulted by them.
Stalking is a crime in New York State. There are four counts of stalking under the law depending on the stalker’s behavior. Common stalking behavior includes:
* following you or showing up wherever you are;
* driving by or hanging out near your home, school, or workplace;
* repeatedly calling you, including hang-ups;
* sending you unwanted letters, cards, e-mails, or gifts;
* monitoring your phone calls or computer use;
* damaging your home, car, or other property; and
* taking other actions that control, track, or frighten you.
While some stalkers’ behavior may not seem dangerous or threatening to an outsider, stalking is serious and should be treated that way. If you are being stalked, it is important to keep a record of what is happening. This can become useful evidence if you decide to get help from the police or court. Every time something happens, you should record:
* the date;
* the time;
* a description of the incident;
* the location of the incident; and
* any witnesses, including their names, addresses, and phone numbers.
Technology Safety
The use of modern technology has increased abusers’ abilities to monitor and track their partners’ activities. If you are not sure if someone is monitoring you, trust your instincts, especially if your abuser seems to know too much about your activities or things you have only told to a few people. Abusers can be very determined and creative. A person does not have to be “tech savvy” to buy or use monitoring or surveillance technology. It is cheap and easy to use.
Phones
These days, most people have a cell phone. It can be a link to safety. On the other hand, an abuser can use it as a tool to listen to your calls and track your whereabouts. Most phones come with services or options to do this, such as: Caller ID, call logs, Call Return Service (*69), last number dialed, Global Positioning System (GPS), “silent mode,” or “auto answer.” Landlines (regular telephones) may also carry some of these risks. Traditional “corded” phones are usually safer than other kinds of phones. Think of these things as you plan for your safety. Consider options such as leaving your cell phone behind if you leave or getting another phone on a new account.
Computers
If the abuser has access to your computer, he can see what websites you have gone to and read your e-mail. Abusers can also monitor computer activities without being there by using keystroke logging technology or spying software. These send a report to the abuser’s computer of all the activity (e-mails, websites visited, instant messages, etc.) that has taken place on your computer. Be aware that changing passwords or erasing history could make the abuser suspicious. To be safe, use a computer at a library, community center, Internet café, workplace, or a trusted friend’s house when you need to look for help or plan to escape.
Recording Devices
Hidden cameras, such as “Nanny Cams,” are cheap and easy to get. Abusers can easily hide a camera to monitor your actions. These cameras can be very small and will often appear as everyday objects. Even a baby monitor can be used for listening to conversations. As tempting as it might be, shutting them off or removing them could make your partner suspicious. Be careful.
Tracking Devices
Global Positioning System (GPS) devices are affordable, small, and can be easily hidden. An abuser can hide a GPS device in your car, jewelry, purse, shoes, and other objects that you carry with you. If you find an object you think may be a GPS device, do not remove it. Call the police. If it’s safe to do so, take photos.
Save proof of contact by the abuser, including e-mails, instant messages, or phone messages. Saving everything can help show patterns, plan for safety, and provide evidence for police. For evidence, it is important that e-mail messages stay on your computer, even if you print them out.
Technology is constantly changing and evolving. For the most up-to-date information on technology safety, visit The Safety Net Project at www.nnedv.org/SafetyNet.
Sexual Assault
There is an overlap between domestic violence and sexual assault. Sexual assault is often one of the last things that abused women talk about because it is so deeply personal. It is very common, however, that someone who is abused by their intimate partner has also been sexually assaulted by them. In fact, most sexual assault happens between people who know each other.
Many domestic violence programs also have sexual assault services available. If you feel you would get more help from a sexual assault program than a domestic violence program, call the NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline and ask for a referral to the sexual assault program (sometimes called a rape crisis center) in your community.
(Source: New York State, Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)